Big fights with your partner can leave you feeling raw, disconnected, and unsure of how to move forward. In those moments, it’s tempting to jump into problem-solving mode or retreat entirely. But neither of these responses usually leads to clarity or healing.
Instead, I want to introduce you to a different approach: turning inward first. Using a combination of Parts Work (from Internal Family Systems) and Elemental Medicine, you can create space to process, reconnect, and reorient yourself before addressing the conflict. Here’s how:
1. Pause and Ground (Earth Element)
Before doing anything, take a moment to pause. Feel your feet on the ground. Breathe deeply into your belly. This is about reconnecting to your body and grounding yourself in the present moment.
The Earth element reminds us of stability and support. Ask yourself: What do I need right now to feel a little more steady? How can I come back home to myself right now?
I love to imagine pulling all of my energy back into my body and remembering that the Earth has us. We don’t need to struggle so much to stay afloat or steady. Just lay down on the ground or put your forehead to the floor. The Earth is here, always supporting you. Ground down into the rooted resonance of the Earth.
2. Meet Your Parts with Confidence (Air Element)
After grounding, turn your attention inward and notice the Parts of you that are most activated. Who is speaking the loudest inside right now?
- Is there an angry part replaying the argument?
- Is there a hurt part feeling unseen or unloved?
- Is there a protective part wanting to retreat or lash out?
The Air element invites clarity and confidence. Instead of judging these parts, simply notice them. Practice holding their big emotions without creating a story. Ask: What is this part trying to tell me? or What does this part need right now? By listening and tolerating the discomfort of the negative emotions without turning away or numbing them, you create space for understanding rather than reacting.
3. Rekindle Your Inner Fire (Fire Element)
After grounding, gaining clarity, and holding your emotions with confidence, it’s time to reconnect with your power. The Fire element is about reclaiming your energy and direction to complete things and bring closure to things of the past that are haunting you.
Ask yourself: What do I need to feel empowered right now? This might be as simple as moving your body, speaking a truth to yourself, or creating an intention for how you want to approach the next conversation with your partner.
Fire reminds you that you are not powerless in the face of conflict. You have the ability to respond with intention rather than reaction. You have the drive and creativity to know how to move with power even in a trauma ecosystem with trauma energies within and around you.
4. Soothe Your Emotional Body (Water Element)
Big fights can stir up a storm of emotions. After listening to your parts, tend to your emotional body. The Water element encourages flow and release.
- Cry if you need to.
- Take a warm bath or splash cool water on your face.
- Wisdom Keep about how the Self Energies of connectedness and compassion may meet you here and help you move to the other side of this.
- Let everything move through you.
Ask yourself: How can I help my emotions flow rather than stay stuck? This step isn’t about “fixing” your feelings but allowing them to be expressed, witnessed, and validated.
5. Anchor in Your Inner Wisdom (Quintessence Element)
Finally, connect with the inner core of you that holds the deepest wisdom—your Inner Authority. The Quintessence element reminds us that we are more than our Parts and that we hold the capacity to be everything all at once without having to pick and choose. There is no beginning or end. We are simply Love.
Ask yourself: From this place of groundedness, clarity, and emotional balance, what is the next right step for me? Whether it’s reaching out to your partner or simply giving yourself more time to process, let your next action come from this anchored space.
Why This Approach Matters
Rushing to “fix” a fight often bypasses the essential step of reconnecting with yourself. By using Parts Work and Elemental Medicine, you address the root of what’s happening internally before trying to address the external conflict. This leads to greater clarity, emotional balance, and a stronger foundation for reconnecting with your partner.
The next time you have a big fight, try this process. Turning inward first can transform how you move forward—with yourself and your relationship.
