CPTSD Medicine Blog

Feeling stuck deciding whether to stay or leave?

I felt so incredibly lonely and isolated when I was deciding whether to stay or leave my first marriage. It seemed like there was no one I could really talk to about this decision. Sure, I could complain, vent, and seek validation for how miserable I felt, but no one seemed to offer guidance that opened up a pathway for the kind of deep, transformative work I truly needed.

The advice I received was surface-level at best: Go on a date night. Set aside time each day for intimacy building. Respect each other’s parenting styles.

Now, looking back, I can see that advice never had a chance against the overwhelming power of unhealed trauma.

We weren’t just a struggling couple; we were two traumatized kids living in adult bodies who desperately needed healing journeys of our own.

Deciding whether to stay or go in your marriage is one of the hardest choices you will ever make.

When I was in that space, I felt raw, stuck, and completely overwhelmed by the weight of it all. But looking back, there are truths I wish someone had told me—truths that could have helped me navigate that decision with more clarity and compassion.

I share them with you here, as a fellow CycleBreaker.

1. Misunderstandings stemmed from trauma, not hatred.
   We weren’t hateful or bad people; we were deeply triggered. Trauma had put one or both of us into shut-down mode, making it impossible to truly see each other or the reality around us.
2. Feelings of neglect were rooted in my own wounds.
   The sense of being unseen and unloved came from younger parts of me frozen in the past, carrying unmet needs that my husband could never fulfill. That healing had to come from me.
3. Parenting disagreements were about power, not parenting.
   Our conflicts over how to raise our children weren’t really about them. They were about our own fears—fears of making mistakes, of losing control, and of not being “enough” as parents.
4. Parallel lives were a shield against vulnerability.
   Living side by side but never truly connecting felt safe. It allowed us to avoid the hard work of intimacy and vulnerability, but it also kept us from building a meaningful connection.
5. Our values were shaped by survival mode.
   We chose each other while we were both in survival mode. Our values didn’t always align, but I had a choice: to focus on the differences or to find the overlap.

These truths were impossible for me to uncover while I was in the thick of it. It was only after I began my healing journey that I started to understand what was really at play in my marriage: trauma energies, survival responses, and patterns rooted in unhealed wounds.

As a CycleBreaker, I’ve learned that healing is not just for you—it’s for every relationship in your life. Healing gives you the clarity and strength to shift from reacting out of trauma to responding from your Self Energy.

If someone had told me these truths back then, things might have unfolded very differently.

This is why I share them with you now—so you can begin your healing journey with the insight, compassion, and courage needed to break the cycle.