CPTSD Medicine Blog

Feeling stuck deciding whether to stay or leave?

I felt so incredibly lonely and isolated when I was deciding whether to stay or leave my first marriage. It seemed like there was no one I could really talk to about this decision. Sure, I could complain, vent, and seek validation for how miserable I felt, but no one seemed to offer guidance that opened up a pathway for the kind of deep, transformative work I truly needed.

The advice I received was surface-level at best: Go on a date night. Set aside time each day for intimacy building. Respect each other’s parenting styles.

Now, looking back, I can see that advice never had a chance against the overwhelming power of unhealed trauma.

We weren’t just a struggling couple; we were two traumatized kids living in adult bodies who desperately needed healing journeys of our own.

Deciding whether to stay or go in your marriage is one of the hardest choices you will ever make.

When I was in that space, I felt raw, stuck, and completely overwhelmed by the weight of it all. But looking back, there are truths I wish someone had told me—truths that could have helped me navigate that decision with more clarity and compassion.

I share them with you here, as a fellow CycleBreaker.

1. Misunderstandings stemmed from trauma, not hatred.
   We weren’t hateful or bad people; we were deeply triggered. Trauma had put one or both of us into shut-down mode, making it impossible to truly see each other or the reality around us.
2. Feelings of neglect were rooted in my own wounds.
   The sense of being unseen and unloved came from younger parts of me frozen in the past, carrying unmet needs that my husband could never fulfill. That healing had to come from me.
3. Parenting disagreements were about power, not parenting.
   Our conflicts over how to raise our children weren’t really about them. They were about our own fears—fears of making mistakes, of losing control, and of not being “enough” as parents.
4. Parallel lives were a shield against vulnerability.
   Living side by side but never truly connecting felt safe. It allowed us to avoid the hard work of intimacy and vulnerability, but it also kept us from building a meaningful connection.
5. Our values were shaped by survival mode.
   We chose each other while we were both in survival mode. Our values didn’t always align, but I had a choice: to focus on the differences or to find the overlap.

These truths were impossible for me to uncover while I was in the thick of it. It was only after I began my healing journey that I started to understand what was really at play in my marriage: trauma energies, survival responses, and patterns rooted in unhealed wounds.

As a CycleBreaker, I’ve learned that healing is not just for you—it’s for every relationship in your life. Healing gives you the clarity and strength to shift from reacting out of trauma to responding from your Self Energy.

If someone had told me these truths back then, things might have unfolded very differently.

This is why I share them with you now—so you can begin your healing journey with the insight, compassion, and courage needed to break the cycle.

Once we understand we have CPTSD, many of us want to know how to achieve efficient progress in CPTSD Resolution next. 

In CPTSD Medicine, we use the term CPTSD Resolution to communicate that something has completed, closed, ended. “Having CPTSD” is something you no longer identify with. You had CPTSD and now you do not. 

As I look back at my four years of guiding CPTSD Resolution, personally and professionally, there is one key factor that influences how efficient a CPTSD Resolution process will be: Intervention Potency.

These are things you can consider as you invest in and plan for your own CPTSD Resolution journey. 

In CPTSD Medicine, our community average is about two years of making CPTSD Resolution a top-three priority until a system is unburdened almost fully and there is a final stage of refinement through embodiment and energetic cleansing and resetting. 

In intervention science, one of the guiding principles is matching the strength of the effect with the potency of the intervention. Strong, enduring effects require equally strong, holistic interventions to create meaningful change in desired outcomes.

CPTSD has comprehensive effects on one’s life—affecting relationships, career, and overall well-being. 

Any intervention aimed at resolving CPTSD must be as all-encompassing as the challenges it addresses.

This is why I often ask prospective clients, “Can you make your CPTSD resolution a top-three priority?” Without this level of commitment, lasting transformation becomes elusive.

Beyond symptom reduction, CPTSD offers a unique gift: the opportunity to dedicate yourself to a profound journey of personal development. Think of it as your own healing sabbatical, where the investment pays dividends for a lifetime.

It is worth sacrificing vacations, home remodels, and even delaying retirement savings, because the truth is if you are running Trauma Energies in your Information Processing Centers and your Energy Centers, you are not going to enjoy that vacation, your home will not be peaceful, and you will not relax into a Golden Era of retirement. 

Nothing truly matters more than resolving your CPTSD

The intensive apprenticeship model of studying CPTSD Medicine has always just made so much sense to me. I am a former tenured associate professor at a research university, and so I know how powerful apprenticeship and mentorship are as models for growth and development. 

In this sense, I am proud to claim how special CPTSD Medicine is. 

We have adapted the researcher and scientific training model to the mental health treatment paradigm. 

We are training humans to be their own best intervention scientist. In equipping humans with the skills they need to help themselves, we are working at the root cause of CPTSD, running disempowered trauma energies. 

A potent intervention for CPTSD must include a robust empowerment mechanism. Without it, Self Belief and Trust are not likely to be restored and these are two of the most fundamental aspects of CPTSD Resolution. 

One of the most overlooked consequences of untreated or unresolved CPTSD is the emergence of behaviors that can feel, or be perceived as, selfish. Addressing this directly is not about shame or blame—it is about understanding the deeper layers beneath it.

You are not selfish. You are not a bad person. But when your internal system is dominated by trauma energies, it often feels like you are trapped in self-focus. Why? Because unresolved trauma leaves “burdens” lodged in your internal system—wounds from unmet needs, unprocessed pain, and experiences of relational harm.

The Invisible Labor of Carrying Trauma

A burden forms when you reached out in distress, seeking connection, only to be met with rejection, humiliation, betrayal, or gaslighting. That experience leaves a mark. If that wound is not immediately met with full presence, unconditional support, and emotional repair, it solidifies energetically. This becomes the invisible labor of trauma—constantly managing pain beneath the surface, often without even realizing it.

When unaddressed, these burdens create Parts of you—or even Entities—that absorb and carry these wounds. They drain your energy, narrow your focus to survival, and leave little space for anything beyond your own immediate needs. This is not selfishness. This is self-preservation.

Self-Love: The Antidote to Self-Focus

The paradox is this: the more you practice genuine self-love, the less self-focused you become. Self-love is not self-indulgence. It is the radical act of meeting your own needs so that you are not unconsciously demanding others meet them for you.

• Amplify Compassion: Notice when you slip into harsh self-judgment. What if the “selfishness” you feel is just an unmet need asking for attention?
• Recognize the Price of Invisible Labor: The exhaustion you feel is not from doing “nothing.” It is from carrying burdens no one else can see.
• Shift from Survival to Leadership: Healing allows you to reclaim the energy spent on survival and redirect it toward connection, purpose, and contribution.

Seeing Beyond Yourself: The Call of the CycleBreaker

When you begin to heal, something remarkable happens: you can finally see beyond your own pain. You recognize that every human in your trauma ecosystem is also carrying burdens. This awareness does not excuse harmful behavior, but it fosters empathy without enabling.

• Honor your journey, but do not let it isolate you.
• Acknowledge your pain, but do not let it define you.
• Claim your healing, not just for you, but as a bridge for others.

The Leadership of Healing

Addressing selfishness in CPTSD is not about becoming “less self-centered.” It is about becoming more self-aware. When you lead yourself with love, you create space to lead others with compassion.

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Ready to Break the Cycle?

If you are tired of carrying invisible burdens and ready to reclaim your energy, your relationships, and your purpose—this is your moment.

Join me in the journey of CPTSD Resolution, where healing is not just personal. It is transformational. For you. For your family. For generations to come.

Start your healing sabbatical today. Learn more here.
Follow @cptsdmedicine for daily insights on breaking cycles and reclaiming your power.

When it comes to CPTSD Resolution, there is a transformative truth that often gets overlooked: You are your greatest ally.

For many childhood trauma survivors, this can feel foreign—maybe even untrue. But here is the reality: even if your past holds “evidence” that suggests you could not rely on yourself, you have the power to generate new evidence. Evidence that you are your own most vital source of support, advocacy, and empowerment.

Survival Mode Is Not a Mindset—It Is a Protective System

You are not broken. You are not self-sabotaging. Parts of you are running protective strategies that once kept you safe.

True healing does not come from fighting these Parts of you. It comes from unburdening the trauma energies they carry, creating space where fear used to live. When your body feels safe enough to live beyond survival, you step into a different kind of existence—one rooted in clarity, not constant threat assessment.

What Is Self-Allyship in CPTSD Healing?

Self-allyship means becoming the leader your internal system has been waiting for. It is not about “fixing” yourself—it is about standing beside yourself, especially when Parts of you feel lost, afraid, or overwhelmed.

It is not “you” working against yourself. It is Parts of you—wounded, protective, or burdened—that have been running the show. When you stop fighting these Parts and instead approach them with compassion, everything changes.

Practices to Cultivate Self-Allyship

1. Amplify Compassion Over Criticism
   Notice when critical voices take over, especially in moments of struggle. Instead of silencing them, soften them with curiosity: “What are you afraid will happen if you do not criticize me right now?” Acknowledge the courage it takes to be on this healing path.
2. Tune Into Your Internal World
   For years, Parts of you may have overridden natural cues to rest, seek support, or slow down. Ask yourself: “What would make me feel loved right now?” Then pause. Notice what comes up. Even observing your impulses is an act of reinstating your natural protective instincts.
3. Lean Into Hope (Even If It Feels Unfamiliar)
   You might not have a lot of evidence yet that you are a strong, wise leader of your internal system. That is okay. You do not need certainty to begin—you just need willingness. Hope is not about guarantees; it is about opening to the possibility of something different.
4. Cultivate Inner Authority
   Your wisdom has always been there, buried beneath survival strategies. Celebrate your breakthroughs, no matter how small. Reflect on what shifted within you to create that change. Self-allyship means honoring your growth without dismissing it as “not enough.”

The Trap of Internal Resistance

When you fight against yourself—resisting your emotions, shaming your patterns, or judging your struggles—you reinforce the very systems that kept you stuck. Resistance and sabotage are not “bad”—they are data. They reveal where unburdening is needed.

But here is the key: while they are instructive, they are not the leaders of your healing journey.

Self-Allyship: A Radical Act of Cycle Breaking

When you stop fighting yourself and start leading with compassion, you break the deepest cycles—the ones that live inside you. You reclaim your personal power not by “winning” against your Parts but by creating a relationship with them rooted in respect, patience, and love.

This is the essence of generational healing.

When you practice self-allyship, you do not just heal for yourself. You become the CycleBreaker who shifts what love, leadership, and safety look like for the generations that follow.

So today, ask yourself: “How can I stand beside myself, even in the hard moments?” Because you deserve more than survival. You deserve to live fully, freely, and with love at the center of your being.