CPTSD Medicine Blog

You may think your relationship struggles stem from communication issues, mismatched personalities, or even the stresses of daily life. But often, the root cause runs much, much deeper—hidden beneath the surface of your conscious awareness. It is not just about what is happening in your relationships; it is about why it keeps happening.

Unhealed trauma does not always show up as obvious emotional flashbacks or anxiety attacks. Sometimes, it disguises itself as normal behaviors, patterns you have lived with for so long they feel like part of your personality. But these patterns are not who you are—they are unprocessed trauma energies running the show.

1. The Need to Feel “Safe” by Controlling Everything
When trauma goes unhealed, Parts of you are stuck in survival mode, scanning for threats in your relationships, even the closest ones, and yes, even when none exist. These Parts’ use the need to control your environment, your partner, and even your emotions to feel safe, and you may not even be consciously aware that you have these Parts using these strategies. You might find yourself micromanaging conversations, overthinking texts, or trying to “fix” every disagreement immediately.

But here is the truth: control is not the same as safety. The more we grip, the more distant true connection feels.

2. Emotional Numbing Disguised as “Being Easy-Going”
You may think you are just “chill” or “go with the flow,” but sometimes this is a Part of us emotional numbing us. If expressing your needs felt unsafe in childhood, this Part might have learned to suppress your feelings to avoid conflict. Over time, this becomes second nature.

The result? Shallow connections, unspoken resentments, and relationships where you feel unseen—not because others do not care, but because you have not shown them your full True Self.

3. Hyper-Independence Masquerading as Strength
“I do not need anyone.”
This belief often feels like a badge of honor, but it can be a Part of you with a intense defense mechanism rooted in trauma. If vulnerability led to pain or betrayal in the past, self-reliance becomes the armor this Part of you created to stay safe. The problem is, armor keeps out not just the hurt—but also the love.

Healthy relationships thrive on interdependence: the courage to lean in, not just stand alone.

4. Attachment Anxiety Hidden as “Passion” or “Romantic Intensity”
The rollercoaster of intense highs and crushing lows in relationships can feel like passion. But often, it is unresolved attachment trauma playing out. The fear of abandonment triggers Parts of you cycling through clinging, pushing away, and seeking reassurance.

Real love feels steady, not like an emotional emergency.

5. Conflict Avoidance Framed as Being “The Peacemaker”
If you grew up in an environment where conflict was chaotic or dangerous, you might have a Part of you that avoids it at all costs. You pride yourself on being the calm one, the mediator. But avoiding conflict does not prevent disconnection—it creates it.

Unspoken truths become walls, and relationships suffocate under the weight of what is left unsaid.

The Bright Side: Trauma Is Not Your Identity
These patterns are not who you are. They are Parts of you that took over so that you could survive your childhood. Over time, these Parts seem like they are who you became to survive.

When trauma energies are unburdened, the space left behind is filled with something rare: clarity without fear, connection without control.

• You communicate because you want to, not because you fear losing someone.
• You set boundaries without guilt, because your worth no longer depends on pleasing others.
• You feel at home in your body, in your relationships, and in your life.

You are not broken. You are burdened with trauma energies. And those trauma energies buried in the burdens can be released from your Mind, Body, and Heart.

Ready to explore what relationships can feel like beyond survival mode?
Join me for a healing sabbatical, where healing is not just about understanding trauma—it is about unburdening it, so you can experience love without fear.

Regret-free decision making is possible, even if fear, doubt, or past trauma have left you feeling stuck or uncertain about your choices.

Decision-making can feel overwhelming, especially when you’re carrying the weight of complex trauma. The fear of making the “wrong” choice or regretting your decision later can leave you stuck in a cycle of doubt and paralysis. But what if it were possible to make decisions with clarity, confidence, and a sense of peace—free from the fear of regret?

Regret-free decision making isn’t about getting it “right” every time. It’s about creating the internal conditions that allow you to trust yourself, no matter the outcome. Here’s how to shift from indecision and fear into empowered action, all while honoring your healing journey.

Why Decisions Feel So Overwhelming for Humans with Complex Trauma
Carrying the burden of unresolved complex trauma often teaches us to second-guess ourselves. When you’ve grown up in environments where your needs, feelings, or intuition weren’t validated, or even doubted or mocked, it’s easy to lose trust in your inner authority. Instead of approaching decisions with clarity and confidence, you may find yourself:

• Overthinking every possible outcome to avoid any possible negative emotion.
• Looking to others for answers rather than trusting your own judgment.
• Feeling paralyzed by the fear of making a mistake.

These patterns of not trusting yourself aren’t a sign of failure or weakness, or that you’ll never heal; they’re a protective response from Parts of you that are trying to keep you safe. But when the burden of these Parts goes unaddressed, you can remain stuck, disconnected from your Self Energy, and the native wisdom and resilience that makes brave, aligned decision-making possible.

The Foundation of Regret-Free Decision Making

Regret-free decision making isn’t about eliminating fear or doubt. It’s about creating the conditions where your decisions come from a place of Self energy rather than from trauma-driven Parts. Here are the key foundations:

1. Unburden Trauma Energies Before Deciding: When unresolved trauma energies are running through your Information Processing Centers and your Energy Centers (ultimately) driving your choices, decisions often come from a place of reactivity to fear rather than Self Energetic clarity. Taking the time to heal first allows you to approach decisions with a calm and centered perspective.
2. Listening to Your Inner Wisdom: Rebuilding trust in your intuition means quieting the noise of external opinions and reconnecting with your own inner knowing.
3. Slowing Down: Decision-making isn’t a race. Slowing down gives you the space to process your emotions, assess your options, and make choices aligned with your values and goals.

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Steps to Regret-Free Decision Making

1. Pause and Ground Yourself
   Before making a decision, slow down to pause. Turn inward. Notice the emotions and energy that is present in your body. Are they rooted in fear, shame, or urgency? These are signs that trauma-driven Parts may be taking the lead. Use grounding practices like breathwork, Wisdom Keeping, or vocalizations, or movement to let the wisdom that is here be experienced directly by you.
2. Acknowledge and Soothe Your Parts
   When fear or doubt arises, it’s often because Parts of you are carrying burdens of past pain. Take a moment to notice these Parts with compassion. You might say, “I see you’re worried about making a mistake. I’m here to listen.” This simple act can help calm the intensity of their voices. Witness and validate what is coming up for Parts of you.
3. Get Curious About Your Needs
   Ask yourself: What do I need right now to feel safe, supported, and clear? This could be more information, a conversation with a trusted friend, or simply more time to process. The decision might not be ready to be made, or maybe it is. Giving yourself choices is your first act of reclaiming your inner authority.
4. Reflect on Your Values
   Instead of focusing on the “right” choice, consider which option aligns most with your core values and long-term goals. This shift helps you make decisions that feel authentic and grounded.
5. Take Small, Aligned Steps
   If a decision feels overwhelming, break it down into smaller steps. Each step can provide clarity and confidence, helping you move forward without feeling paralyzed.

How to Trust the Outcomes

Regret-free decision making doesn’t mean every choice will lead to a perfect outcome. It means trusting that, regardless of the result, you can navigate what comes next. You will be okay no matter what. Here’s how to build that trust:

• Embrace Mistakes as Growth: Every decision teaches you something. Even mistakes can offer valuable insights and opportunities for healing.
• Practice Self-Compassion: When doubt or regret creeps in, meet yourself with kindness. Remind yourself that you made the best choice you could with the information and resources you had at the time.
• Stay Open to Course Correction: Decisions aren’t always final. If a choice doesn’t work out, trust that you have the power to adjust and pivot as needed.

A Final Thought

For those healing from complex trauma, decision-making is about more than choosing between options. It’s about reclaiming trust in yourself, unburdening the Parts of you that carry fear and doubt, and leading from a place of Self energy.

When you heal first, you’re not just making decisions; you’re stepping into a life guided by clarity, courage, and confidence. And that is a decision you’ll never regret.

If you’re reading this and feeling maxed out by work and hustle, dreaming of more unstructured time at home to invest in your future freedom, consider taking a healing sabbatical with CPTSD Medicine. It’s an invitation to step back, heal deeply, and build a life aligned with your values. Learn more about how this transformative experience could support your journey during a no-pressure information session. You can register to attend here.

Emotional disconnection in a marriage can feel like standing on opposite sides of an unbridgeable gap. The loneliness, frustration, and confusion that come with it often leave you wondering, Is it me? Is it them? Is this relationship salvageable? What am I doing? What should I do?

But what if the experience of disconnection wasn’t just a signal of what’s wrong in your marriage, but also an invitation to turn inward—to begin cultivating a trust within yourself that creates clarity, empowerment, and even the possibility of reconnection to something more profound and steady than ever?

Recognize the Mirror

Emotional disconnection often reflects something deeper happening within us. It’s easy to point to your partner’s actions (or inactions) as the source of the problem, but disconnection is also an opportunity to ask yourself:

• Where do Parts of me feel unseen or unheard within myself?
• What Part of me doesn’t feel safe to fully show up here?
• Is there a silencing Part that isn’t allowing other Parts to speak their truth?

This isn’t about self-blame; it’s about self-awareness. The more you understand your internal world, the more grounded you become in your interactions with others.

Turn Toward Your Parts

When emotional disconnection surfaces, Parts of you might begin broadcasting beliefs they picked up from the messaging you received in childhood like:

• “I’m not good enough.”
• “I’m always too much.”
• “I’m unlovable.”

These Parts often feel overwhelming because they’ve been carrying these burdens for a long. long time. Instead of pushing them away, try turning toward them with curiosity and compassion.

Ask:

• What are you trying to protect me from?
• What do you need from me right now?
• What can you show me or tell me about what is happening right now?

This practice begins to rebuild internal trust—a belief that you can be with yourself, no matter how hard the emotions are, or how scary the interpretations of your worthiness as a human are. You can use these moments in your real life as the site for powerful unburdening work.

Reframe Disconnection as Data
Instead of seeing emotional disconnection as a sign of failure, consider it a source of valuable information. Ask yourself:

• What am I needing in this moment?
• Where can I offer that to myself first?

For example, if you’re longing for your partner to listen, practice listening to your own emotions and needs first. If you want to feel valued, start by valuing yourself in small, tangible ways. Offer yourself what you need first internally, and then see what happens externally.

When we make demands on those we love to care for our Parts, it can be exhausting for our partners, our children, our friends and family. Offer comfort and soothing internally first, and then we can often receive connection externally more directly and cleanly.

Use Internal Trust to Decide What’s Next

When you begin to cultivate internal trust, something powerful happens: You no longer look to your partner (or anyone else) to validate your worth or guide your decisions. Instead, you develop the clarity and groundedness to decide what’s best for you—and for your relationship—without fear of regret.

This doesn’t mean the relationship will always improve or that you won’t face hard choices. But it does mean you’ll be making those choices from a place of self-trust rather than reactivity.

Emotional disconnection doesn’t have to be the end of your story. It can be the beginning of a deeper relationship with yourself—a foundation of trust that empowers you to navigate your relationship, and your life, with clarity and confidence.

Big fights with your partner can leave you feeling raw, disconnected, and unsure of how to move forward. In those moments, it’s tempting to jump into problem-solving mode or retreat entirely. But neither of these responses usually leads to clarity or healing.

Instead, I want to introduce you to a different approach: turning inward first. Using a combination of Parts Work (from Internal Family Systems) and Elemental Medicine, you can create space to process, reconnect, and reorient yourself before addressing the conflict. Here’s how:

1. Pause and Ground (Earth Element)

Before doing anything, take a moment to pause. Feel your feet on the ground. Breathe deeply into your belly. This is about reconnecting to your body and grounding yourself in the present moment.

The Earth element reminds us of stability and support. Ask yourself: What do I need right now to feel a little more steady? How can I come back home to myself right now?

I love to imagine pulling all of my energy back into my body and remembering that the Earth has us. We don’t need to struggle so much to stay afloat or steady. Just lay down on the ground or put your forehead to the floor. The Earth is here, always supporting you. Ground down into the rooted resonance of the Earth.

2. Meet Your Parts with Confidence (Air Element)

After grounding, turn your attention inward and notice the Parts of you that are most activated. Who is speaking the loudest inside right now?

• Is there an angry part replaying the argument?
• Is there a hurt part feeling unseen or unloved?
• Is there a protective part wanting to retreat or lash out?

The Air element invites clarity and confidence. Instead of judging these parts, simply notice them. Practice holding their big emotions without creating a story. Ask: What is this part trying to tell me? or What does this part need right now? By listening and tolerating the discomfort of the negative emotions without turning away or numbing them, you create space for understanding rather than reacting.

3. Rekindle Your Inner Fire (Fire Element)

After grounding, gaining clarity, and holding your emotions with confidence, it’s time to reconnect with your power. The Fire element is about reclaiming your energy and direction to complete things and bring closure to things of the past that are haunting you.

Ask yourself: What do I need to feel empowered right now? This might be as simple as moving your body, speaking a truth to yourself, or creating an intention for how you want to approach the next conversation with your partner.

Fire reminds you that you are not powerless in the face of conflict. You have the ability to respond with intention rather than reaction. You have the drive and creativity to know how to move with power even in a trauma ecosystem with trauma energies within and around you.

4. Soothe Your Emotional Body (Water Element)

Big fights can stir up a storm of emotions. After listening to your parts, tend to your emotional body. The Water element encourages flow and release.

• Cry if you need to.
• Take a warm bath or splash cool water on your face.
• Wisdom Keep about how the Self Energies of connectedness and compassion may meet you here and help you move to the other side of this.
• Let everything move through you.

Ask yourself: How can I help my emotions flow rather than stay stuck? This step isn’t about “fixing” your feelings but allowing them to be expressed, witnessed, and validated.

5. Anchor in Your Inner Wisdom (Quintessence Element)

Finally, connect with the inner core of you that holds the deepest wisdom—your Inner Authority. The Quintessence element reminds us that we are more than our Parts and that we hold the capacity to be everything all at once without having to pick and choose. There is no beginning or end. We are simply Love.

Ask yourself: From this place of groundedness, clarity, and emotional balance, what is the next right step for me? Whether it’s reaching out to your partner or simply giving yourself more time to process, let your next action come from this anchored space.

Why This Approach Matters

Rushing to “fix” a fight often bypasses the essential step of reconnecting with yourself. By using Parts Work and Elemental Medicine, you address the root of what’s happening internally before trying to address the external conflict. This leads to greater clarity, emotional balance, and a stronger foundation for reconnecting with your partner.

The next time you have a big fight, try this process. Turning inward first can transform how you move forward—with yourself and your relationship.