CPTSD Medicine Blog

When faced with the decision about divorce, it can feel like one of the most overwhelming and confusing experiences of your life. I know I have been there, twice, actually.

When we reach that crossroads in our marriage—the moment where staying together feels as impossible as leaving—it can be one of the most overwhelming and confusing experiences of our lives. You can feel utterly alone and desperate.

Sitting in the discomfort of that moment can feel unbearable, yet rushing through it often leads to regret. So how do we make this decision with clarity, courage, and compassion?

Here’s what I’ve learned from both personal experience and guiding others through similar journeys:

The First Step: Acknowledge the Storm

When we’re grappling with the decision to divorce, we’re often caught in a storm of emotions: fear, anger, grief, hope, and despair. These emotions can cloud our judgment and make it feel impossible to find clarity. The first step is to pause and acknowledge that storm without rushing to fix it. This pause is not about staying stuck; it’s about creating space to breathe, to reflect, and to begin untangling the threads of what brought us here. Come back into your body and really feel into what is present for you.

The Next Step: Shift from Survival to Leadership

For many of us, especially those of us navigating unresolved complex trauma, our default response to conflict and uncertainty is survival mode. We react, we avoid, or we try to please others to keep the peace. But making a decision about divorce requires stepping out of survival mode and into leadership. Leadership in this context means aligning with your deeper truth and taking responsibility for your part in creating a path forward—whether that’s together or apart.

Asking the Right Questions

One of the most important shifts I made was learning to ask better questions. Instead of focusing on what my partner was doing or not doing, I turned inward:

• Am I living in alignment with my values in this marriage?
• Is staying together allowing both of us to grow, or are we holding each other back?
• What kind of environment am I modeling for my children? Would I want this for them?
• Do I have the resources—internally and externally—to navigate this process with integrity?

These questions aren’t easy to answer, but they’re necessary. They help us move beyond blame and into self-awareness, which is where true clarity begins.

Honoring the Complexity of the Decision

Divorce is rarely a decision with a clear “right” or “wrong” answer. It’s a decision that involves multiple layers of complexity: emotional, financial, social, and even spiritual. Recognizing this can help us approach the decision with more compassion—for ourselves and our partners.

Taking the Third Option: A Healing Sabbatical

One of the most powerful shifts I made in my journey was choosing not to decide right away. Instead, I took a “healing sabbatical,” a structured period of time dedicated to focusing on my own healing and growth. During this time, I stepped back from the marriage without stepping into divorce. This allowed me to work through my own patterns, reconnect with my inner truth, and make the decision from a place of clarity and strength rather than fear and reactivity.

The Role of Support

Navigating this decision is not something we’re meant to do alone. Whether it’s a trusted mentor, a therapist, or a community of others who’ve been there, surrounding yourself with support can make all the difference. It’s not a sign of weakness; it’s a sign of courage to seek guidance and allow others to hold space for you as you navigate this path.

The Outcome: A Decision Rooted in Truth

The goal isn’t to rush to a decision; it’s to reach a point where the decision feels aligned with your deepest truth. Whether that means working together to rebuild the relationship or choosing to part ways, you can move forward knowing that you’ve made the choice with integrity, clarity, and love.

Final Thoughts

Making a decision about divorce is one of the hardest things we can face, but it’s also an opportunity for profound transformation. It’s a chance to step into greater alignment with your values, to model healthy choices for your children, and to create a life that feels authentic and fulfilling. No matter what you choose, know that you’re not alone and that there is a path forward—one step at a time.

Feeling stuck deciding whether to stay or leave?

I felt so incredibly lonely and isolated when I was deciding whether to stay or leave my first marriage. It seemed like there was no one I could really talk to about this decision. Sure, I could complain, vent, and seek validation for how miserable I felt, but no one seemed to offer guidance that opened up a pathway for the kind of deep, transformative work I truly needed.

The advice I received was surface-level at best: Go on a date night. Set aside time each day for intimacy building. Respect each other’s parenting styles.

Now, looking back, I can see that advice never had a chance against the overwhelming power of unhealed trauma.

We weren’t just a struggling couple; we were two traumatized kids living in adult bodies who desperately needed healing journeys of our own.

Deciding whether to stay or go in your marriage is one of the hardest choices you will ever make.

When I was in that space, I felt raw, stuck, and completely overwhelmed by the weight of it all. But looking back, there are truths I wish someone had told me—truths that could have helped me navigate that decision with more clarity and compassion.

I share them with you here, as a fellow CycleBreaker.

1. Misunderstandings stemmed from trauma, not hatred.
   We weren’t hateful or bad people; we were deeply triggered. Trauma had put one or both of us into shut-down mode, making it impossible to truly see each other or the reality around us.
2. Feelings of neglect were rooted in my own wounds.
   The sense of being unseen and unloved came from younger parts of me frozen in the past, carrying unmet needs that my husband could never fulfill. That healing had to come from me.
3. Parenting disagreements were about power, not parenting.
   Our conflicts over how to raise our children weren’t really about them. They were about our own fears—fears of making mistakes, of losing control, and of not being “enough” as parents.
4. Parallel lives were a shield against vulnerability.
   Living side by side but never truly connecting felt safe. It allowed us to avoid the hard work of intimacy and vulnerability, but it also kept us from building a meaningful connection.
5. Our values were shaped by survival mode.
   We chose each other while we were both in survival mode. Our values didn’t always align, but I had a choice: to focus on the differences or to find the overlap.

These truths were impossible for me to uncover while I was in the thick of it. It was only after I began my healing journey that I started to understand what was really at play in my marriage: trauma energies, survival responses, and patterns rooted in unhealed wounds.

As a CycleBreaker, I’ve learned that healing is not just for you—it’s for every relationship in your life. Healing gives you the clarity and strength to shift from reacting out of trauma to responding from your Self Energy.

If someone had told me these truths back then, things might have unfolded very differently.

This is why I share them with you now—so you can begin your healing journey with the insight, compassion, and courage needed to break the cycle.