CPTSD Medicine Blog

When faced with the decision about divorce, it can feel like one of the most overwhelming and confusing experiences of your life. I know I have been there, twice, actually.

When we reach that crossroads in our marriage—the moment where staying together feels as impossible as leaving—it can be one of the most overwhelming and confusing experiences of our lives. You can feel utterly alone and desperate.

Sitting in the discomfort of that moment can feel unbearable, yet rushing through it often leads to regret. So how do we make this decision with clarity, courage, and compassion?

Here’s what I’ve learned from both personal experience and guiding others through similar journeys:

The First Step: Acknowledge the Storm

When we’re grappling with the decision to divorce, we’re often caught in a storm of emotions: fear, anger, grief, hope, and despair. These emotions can cloud our judgment and make it feel impossible to find clarity. The first step is to pause and acknowledge that storm without rushing to fix it. This pause is not about staying stuck; it’s about creating space to breathe, to reflect, and to begin untangling the threads of what brought us here. Come back into your body and really feel into what is present for you.

The Next Step: Shift from Survival to Leadership

For many of us, especially those of us navigating unresolved complex trauma, our default response to conflict and uncertainty is survival mode. We react, we avoid, or we try to please others to keep the peace. But making a decision about divorce requires stepping out of survival mode and into leadership. Leadership in this context means aligning with your deeper truth and taking responsibility for your part in creating a path forward—whether that’s together or apart.

Asking the Right Questions

One of the most important shifts I made was learning to ask better questions. Instead of focusing on what my partner was doing or not doing, I turned inward:

• Am I living in alignment with my values in this marriage?
• Is staying together allowing both of us to grow, or are we holding each other back?
• What kind of environment am I modeling for my children? Would I want this for them?
• Do I have the resources—internally and externally—to navigate this process with integrity?

These questions aren’t easy to answer, but they’re necessary. They help us move beyond blame and into self-awareness, which is where true clarity begins.

Honoring the Complexity of the Decision

Divorce is rarely a decision with a clear “right” or “wrong” answer. It’s a decision that involves multiple layers of complexity: emotional, financial, social, and even spiritual. Recognizing this can help us approach the decision with more compassion—for ourselves and our partners.

Taking the Third Option: A Healing Sabbatical

One of the most powerful shifts I made in my journey was choosing not to decide right away. Instead, I took a “healing sabbatical,” a structured period of time dedicated to focusing on my own healing and growth. During this time, I stepped back from the marriage without stepping into divorce. This allowed me to work through my own patterns, reconnect with my inner truth, and make the decision from a place of clarity and strength rather than fear and reactivity.

The Role of Support

Navigating this decision is not something we’re meant to do alone. Whether it’s a trusted mentor, a therapist, or a community of others who’ve been there, surrounding yourself with support can make all the difference. It’s not a sign of weakness; it’s a sign of courage to seek guidance and allow others to hold space for you as you navigate this path.

The Outcome: A Decision Rooted in Truth

The goal isn’t to rush to a decision; it’s to reach a point where the decision feels aligned with your deepest truth. Whether that means working together to rebuild the relationship or choosing to part ways, you can move forward knowing that you’ve made the choice with integrity, clarity, and love.

Final Thoughts

Making a decision about divorce is one of the hardest things we can face, but it’s also an opportunity for profound transformation. It’s a chance to step into greater alignment with your values, to model healthy choices for your children, and to create a life that feels authentic and fulfilling. No matter what you choose, know that you’re not alone and that there is a path forward—one step at a time.

One of the most overlooked consequences of untreated or unresolved CPTSD is the emergence of behaviors that can feel, or be perceived as, selfish. Addressing this directly is not about shame or blame—it is about understanding the deeper layers beneath it.

You are not selfish. You are not a bad person. But when your internal system is dominated by trauma energies, it often feels like you are trapped in self-focus. Why? Because unresolved trauma leaves “burdens” lodged in your internal system—wounds from unmet needs, unprocessed pain, and experiences of relational harm.

The Invisible Labor of Carrying Trauma

A burden forms when you reached out in distress, seeking connection, only to be met with rejection, humiliation, betrayal, or gaslighting. That experience leaves a mark. If that wound is not immediately met with full presence, unconditional support, and emotional repair, it solidifies energetically. This becomes the invisible labor of trauma—constantly managing pain beneath the surface, often without even realizing it.

When unaddressed, these burdens create Parts of you—or even Entities—that absorb and carry these wounds. They drain your energy, narrow your focus to survival, and leave little space for anything beyond your own immediate needs. This is not selfishness. This is self-preservation.

Self-Love: The Antidote to Self-Focus

The paradox is this: the more you practice genuine self-love, the less self-focused you become. Self-love is not self-indulgence. It is the radical act of meeting your own needs so that you are not unconsciously demanding others meet them for you.

• Amplify Compassion: Notice when you slip into harsh self-judgment. What if the “selfishness” you feel is just an unmet need asking for attention?
• Recognize the Price of Invisible Labor: The exhaustion you feel is not from doing “nothing.” It is from carrying burdens no one else can see.
• Shift from Survival to Leadership: Healing allows you to reclaim the energy spent on survival and redirect it toward connection, purpose, and contribution.

Seeing Beyond Yourself: The Call of the CycleBreaker

When you begin to heal, something remarkable happens: you can finally see beyond your own pain. You recognize that every human in your trauma ecosystem is also carrying burdens. This awareness does not excuse harmful behavior, but it fosters empathy without enabling.

• Honor your journey, but do not let it isolate you.
• Acknowledge your pain, but do not let it define you.
• Claim your healing, not just for you, but as a bridge for others.

The Leadership of Healing

Addressing selfishness in CPTSD is not about becoming “less self-centered.” It is about becoming more self-aware. When you lead yourself with love, you create space to lead others with compassion.

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Ready to Break the Cycle?

If you are tired of carrying invisible burdens and ready to reclaim your energy, your relationships, and your purpose—this is your moment.

Join me in the journey of CPTSD Resolution, where healing is not just personal. It is transformational. For you. For your family. For generations to come.

Start your healing sabbatical today. Learn more here.
Follow @cptsdmedicine for daily insights on breaking cycles and reclaiming your power.

When it comes to CPTSD Resolution, there is a transformative truth that often gets overlooked: You are your greatest ally.

For many childhood trauma survivors, this can feel foreign—maybe even untrue. But here is the reality: even if your past holds “evidence” that suggests you could not rely on yourself, you have the power to generate new evidence. Evidence that you are your own most vital source of support, advocacy, and empowerment.

Survival Mode Is Not a Mindset—It Is a Protective System

You are not broken. You are not self-sabotaging. Parts of you are running protective strategies that once kept you safe.

True healing does not come from fighting these Parts of you. It comes from unburdening the trauma energies they carry, creating space where fear used to live. When your body feels safe enough to live beyond survival, you step into a different kind of existence—one rooted in clarity, not constant threat assessment.

What Is Self-Allyship in CPTSD Healing?

Self-allyship means becoming the leader your internal system has been waiting for. It is not about “fixing” yourself—it is about standing beside yourself, especially when Parts of you feel lost, afraid, or overwhelmed.

It is not “you” working against yourself. It is Parts of you—wounded, protective, or burdened—that have been running the show. When you stop fighting these Parts and instead approach them with compassion, everything changes.

Practices to Cultivate Self-Allyship

1. Amplify Compassion Over Criticism
   Notice when critical voices take over, especially in moments of struggle. Instead of silencing them, soften them with curiosity: “What are you afraid will happen if you do not criticize me right now?” Acknowledge the courage it takes to be on this healing path.
2. Tune Into Your Internal World
   For years, Parts of you may have overridden natural cues to rest, seek support, or slow down. Ask yourself: “What would make me feel loved right now?” Then pause. Notice what comes up. Even observing your impulses is an act of reinstating your natural protective instincts.
3. Lean Into Hope (Even If It Feels Unfamiliar)
   You might not have a lot of evidence yet that you are a strong, wise leader of your internal system. That is okay. You do not need certainty to begin—you just need willingness. Hope is not about guarantees; it is about opening to the possibility of something different.
4. Cultivate Inner Authority
   Your wisdom has always been there, buried beneath survival strategies. Celebrate your breakthroughs, no matter how small. Reflect on what shifted within you to create that change. Self-allyship means honoring your growth without dismissing it as “not enough.”

The Trap of Internal Resistance

When you fight against yourself—resisting your emotions, shaming your patterns, or judging your struggles—you reinforce the very systems that kept you stuck. Resistance and sabotage are not “bad”—they are data. They reveal where unburdening is needed.

But here is the key: while they are instructive, they are not the leaders of your healing journey.

Self-Allyship: A Radical Act of Cycle Breaking

When you stop fighting yourself and start leading with compassion, you break the deepest cycles—the ones that live inside you. You reclaim your personal power not by “winning” against your Parts but by creating a relationship with them rooted in respect, patience, and love.

This is the essence of generational healing.

When you practice self-allyship, you do not just heal for yourself. You become the CycleBreaker who shifts what love, leadership, and safety look like for the generations that follow.

So today, ask yourself: “How can I stand beside myself, even in the hard moments?” Because you deserve more than survival. You deserve to live fully, freely, and with love at the center of your being.