When faced with the decision about divorce, it can feel like one of the most overwhelming and confusing experiences of your life. I know I have been there, twice, actually.
When we reach that crossroads in our marriage—the moment where staying together feels as impossible as leaving—it can be one of the most overwhelming and confusing experiences of our lives. You can feel utterly alone and desperate.
Sitting in the discomfort of that moment can feel unbearable, yet rushing through it often leads to regret. So how do we make this decision with clarity, courage, and compassion?
Here’s what I’ve learned from both personal experience and guiding others through similar journeys:
The First Step: Acknowledge the Storm
When we’re grappling with the decision to divorce, we’re often caught in a storm of emotions: fear, anger, grief, hope, and despair. These emotions can cloud our judgment and make it feel impossible to find clarity. The first step is to pause and acknowledge that storm without rushing to fix it. This pause is not about staying stuck; it’s about creating space to breathe, to reflect, and to begin untangling the threads of what brought us here. Come back into your body and really feel into what is present for you.
The Next Step: Shift from Survival to Leadership
For many of us, especially those of us navigating unresolved complex trauma, our default response to conflict and uncertainty is survival mode. We react, we avoid, or we try to please others to keep the peace. But making a decision about divorce requires stepping out of survival mode and into leadership. Leadership in this context means aligning with your deeper truth and taking responsibility for your part in creating a path forward—whether that’s together or apart.
Asking the Right Questions
One of the most important shifts I made was learning to ask better questions. Instead of focusing on what my partner was doing or not doing, I turned inward:
- Am I living in alignment with my values in this marriage?
- Is staying together allowing both of us to grow, or are we holding each other back?
- What kind of environment am I modeling for my children? Would I want this for them?
- Do I have the resources—internally and externally—to navigate this process with integrity?
These questions aren’t easy to answer, but they’re necessary. They help us move beyond blame and into self-awareness, which is where true clarity begins.
Honoring the Complexity of the Decision
Divorce is rarely a decision with a clear “right” or “wrong” answer. It’s a decision that involves multiple layers of complexity: emotional, financial, social, and even spiritual. Recognizing this can help us approach the decision with more compassion—for ourselves and our partners.
Taking the Third Option: A Healing Sabbatical
One of the most powerful shifts I made in my journey was choosing not to decide right away. Instead, I took a “healing sabbatical,” a structured period of time dedicated to focusing on my own healing and growth. During this time, I stepped back from the marriage without stepping into divorce. This allowed me to work through my own patterns, reconnect with my inner truth, and make the decision from a place of clarity and strength rather than fear and reactivity.
The Role of Support
Navigating this decision is not something we’re meant to do alone. Whether it’s a trusted mentor, a therapist, or a community of others who’ve been there, surrounding yourself with support can make all the difference. It’s not a sign of weakness; it’s a sign of courage to seek guidance and allow others to hold space for you as you navigate this path.
The Outcome: A Decision Rooted in Truth
The goal isn’t to rush to a decision; it’s to reach a point where the decision feels aligned with your deepest truth. Whether that means working together to rebuild the relationship or choosing to part ways, you can move forward knowing that you’ve made the choice with integrity, clarity, and love.
Final Thoughts
Making a decision about divorce is one of the hardest things we can face, but it’s also an opportunity for profound transformation. It’s a chance to step into greater alignment with your values, to model healthy choices for your children, and to create a life that feels authentic and fulfilling. No matter what you choose, know that you’re not alone and that there is a path forward—one step at a time.
